Has it been two weeks already?

Can’t be.

I still see him falling.

I still see him in the hospital bed.

I still see him in the funeral home.

Why can’t I see him as he used to be when he was happy and smiling?

It was so long since he did that.

Years of pain, frustration, and anger. It changed him.

It made him hard to be with.

But, I stayed.

He’s gone…14 days.

2 weeks.

336 hours.

G went with me and we spent several hours at my Credit Union with a very sweet gal (same one who worked on my stolen credit card #s and paypal debacle) she was patient and kind and helped me fill out many forms.

We changed everything over to brand new accounts and charge cards. Almost one stop shopping so to speak.

There are still many people to call about forms I need sent to me to fill out and many places to notify. There’s also making appointments with our tax lady and investment guy and praying I have all the relevant forms with me.

Still haven’t heard a word back from the life insurance company.

A kindness in the system would be to leave things as they were for a two month period so you have time to get everything done without worrying about changes in the money right away. No one ever said the system was kind.

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Snowed like crazy last night, so glad I have someone to clear the walk and driveway. Just doing the back steps and two squares of sidewalk had me wheezing and reaching for my rescue inhaler.

Cleaned my car off and headed out to my eye doctor appointment in the afternoon. Jay was there last month so they were shocked to hear of his death.

Got my eyes checked and they claim there is no change. And I get to use my funky new frames.

NO sign of macular degeneration which is my greatest fear since my mother had it. I do have a smidgen of cataract activity and will need to be checked yearly now.

(In my best Desi Arnez voice.) “Lucy, what you doing?”

Lucy backs away from the computer. “Nuffing.”

I check the history.

“You added more toys to my Amazon wish list!”

Lucy, “NOOOOO, Wasn’t me! I did not do that!”

“Yeah sure.”

Sigh.

“I promise, when we know there’s no money problems, I will buy them for you. Just stop putting them on the wish list for now. OKAY?”

Lucy sighs, “Okay.”

Grumbles under her breath, “There better be tons of dem.”

Brittle threads hold me together.

There is a certain desperation to run from here.

I am both terrified and intrigued about what will come.

Most days terror wins.

Lucy has become my therapy dog.

She knows when to stay close.

I feel emotionally crippled most days.

Outside I look like a normal person.

Inside I am hollow, filled with fear, alone and screaming in the dark.

Hell, I scream in the light too.

Everywhere I look…it hurts.

It hurts to the marrow.

Then there is that movie on constant replay…him falling down the stairs,

My desperate call to 911.

Knowing somewhere in the back of my mind after seeing the look on his face that this was it. This was the end. There was no coming back …his eyes showed me his leaving.

I must, in some manner, glue my broken bits together, Step through the looking glass and become a new me.

It is petrifying.  It goes way past daunting.

Saw our Attorney and now I have another bill to pay.

I find I get more and more worried about money. How I’m going to pay this or that bill. I feel unsure–have I forgotten something? What happens if? What the fuck am I doing?!

Yeah. Not fun.

Had a mini panic attack after making two wrong turns getting to the Attorney’s office. Actually had to sit in the van and collect myself before going in.

I find I keep having mini melt downs. One of these days that big one is going to hit and hit hard. I dread it.

Had one at the Attorney’s office and his GSD, who, it seems is a fixture there, rushed over to give me a big furry doggy hug. He’s a sweetheart of a rescue boy.

Lucy didn’t mind his scent on me, she was more intrigued. I got thoroughly sniffed. Her tail wagged a mile a minute.

Dogs, can’t live without them if you are a dog person. I never want to be without one.

Today’s Tee.

Fell asleep way early and woke up too early. Now I am exhausted again.

The day itself went by slowly, peacefully for the most part, and had some laughs.

Lucy’s box of toys arrived from Chewy.com One was a disappointment because it is little dog or large cat sized. Not suitable for Lucy.

She figured out the interactive toy in seconds. Always knew she was smart, any dog that can survive running loose in Philly has to be.

Mr. Bill lost his nose and is now residing on my desk to only be played with under strict supervision.

I think her favorite is mean kitty. I’d put all the toys in her toy box to vacuum and the only one pulled out since is mean kitty, who is now in the middle of the living room floor.

Blocked 3 spam callers today. Usually they don’t make it past my call blocker.

I Kept music going all day again. This time mindful, calming music from Amazon prime streaming.

Blood pressure today 130/72.