Category Archives: Misc

Thirty-four billion to bail out the auto industry

     Tonight on the news, we heard the announcement that the auto industry says it now needs a THIRTY-FOUR BILLION DOLLAR bail out.  Are you frigging kidding me? 

     We can’t afford to buy a new car, so why should we give them our tax money?  I hate to say it, but most cars today sell for more than what I paid for my house thirty-five years ago and I refuse to take out a second mortgage to buy a car.

     Last January my ancient van gasped its last in the middle of heavy work traffic never to move on its own again.  Did anyone bail us out?  If you consider AAA coming and hauling the old hulk away a bail out, well, then maybe.  Could I afford a new car?  No.  Hell, I bought another used ten-year-old car.  One might consider ten year olds to be youngsters but not when they are cars.

     Maybe if ‘We The People each got our fair share of this THIRTY-FOUR BILLION, we could all buy a new car which in turn would give the auto industry a good shot in the arm.  Gee, wouldn’t that be a better bail out?  Give everyone a check made out ‘for the purchase of a new car’ heck, just for GP let’s make it stipulate ‘a new American made car.’  We’d all have new cars and the auto industry would get MONEY.  Many of the old clunkers would be off the streets.  We could save money on gas with newer gas efficient cars and cut down on air pollution with cleaner running engines. 

     Does anyone see a problem with this?  Tell me, where’s the downside here?

Ya think?

     I have friends who have lost their jobs during this past year that are barely scraping by, some even fear they will lose their homes by the new year.  I know parents who have had to tell their sons and daughters that having beans and rice for dinner several times a week won’t hurt them.  They’ve told their children that their Christmas gifts will be limited to items of much needed clothing; maybe they can get a new winter coat.

     The big news is that we’ve been in a recession since December of 2007.  Wow!  Ya think?  Gee, how long did it take them to figure that out? 

     Heck, we’ve been tightening our belts for more than a year.  Those of us on small incomes have been quite aware of this fact and yet it took until now for the NEWS to come out?  

     I guess for such a thing to be NEWS it takes having the wealthy suddenly discover that their BIG BUCKS aren’t going nearly as far now as in previous years. 

     Goodness, does this mean that instead of scarfing down a filet mignon or lobster for dinner they may have to cut back and have a NY strip steak, or God forbid, hamburger?  Do their darling sons and daughters have to forego one of their yearly Christmas gifts of new cell phones, Ipods, big screen TVs, Xboxes, WIIs, or another new car this year?  What a shame.

Packrat-itis

     I hate clutter, although to look at my house you wouldn’t know it.  I do try to get ahead of it.  However, when you are married to a packrat who is the son of two packrats, it is a difficult task.

     You know you have a packrat in the family when you throw things away and the next day you find that at least half of the items have magically reappeared.  You know you have a packrat when your attic, basement, and outdoor shed are bursting at the seams. 

     When you find an old, empty card for a tiny light bulb stuffed in a drawer and throw it away only to have your husband retrieve it from the recycling bin to ask you what light came from the pack, you have a packrat.

     If your mother-in-law has paper bags from a store that hasn’t existed in twenty years, all neatly folded in a six-foot tall bundle stashed under her basement steps, you know where your packrat came from.  (We won’t go into ALL the OTHER hoarded stuff.)

     If it took more than five years to put a dent in your deceased father-in-law’s accumulated clutter: yep, your packrat is his son and he brought a ton of it to your house.

     If you could hold a weekly yard sale every week for a year and still have too much clutter, ah huh, there’s a packrat around somewhere.

     I’ve decided that once spring is here, I will start in the attic, work my way to the cellar and throw away, donate, and sell all the clutter.  If it isn’t nailed down, if doesn’t have extreme sentimental value, if we don’t use it regularly, it is gone.

     If I have to, I’ll hog-tie Dear Hubby to keep him from playing junk retriever.

     Are you a packrat?  Do you know a packrat?

I feel your pain and I wish I could help…

     Our electric company wants to raise our rates by thirty percent.  Yep, you heard me right, thirty percent.  Now I probably wouldn’t mind quite so much if in the past three or four years we hadn’t had at least one power outage every month or so.  I probably wouldn’t be quite as miffed if the power outages had only been for minutes at a time.  However, these are constant power outages that have lasted from two to over eight hours at a time.

     Can I bill the electric company for my Koi who died when the pond filters and pumps were off for over eight hours?  No.  How about billing them for damage to my electronics, will they replace my computer?  No.

     Maybe they’ll spring for a cup of coffee so I can warm up while I wait for the power to come back on.  What, not even a cheap cup of coffee?

     You don’t even get the pleasure of bitching to a human being.  No, you phone them and an electronic voice directs you through their obstacle course that is worthy of Special Forces training.

     If I’m going to have to pay them thirty percent more I want a human on the other end of the phone so I can at least vent a little.  It’s better to hear a human voice saying, “I feel your pain and I wish I could help….”  I want someone you can yell at about how your dinner was cooking and now that the power has been out for an hour, it is ruined.  Maybe that person would even spring for a hot cup of coffee…

With middle age comes wisdom and hot flashes

     Ah, middle age, I don’t feel much older than when I was in my twenties.  Wiser, yes, I know I’ve learned a lot over the years.  I’m wise enough to know that I will always have something new to learn.  I’m wise enough to know that you can pick your friends, your battles, and causes, but you can’t pick your relatives.  As in many families, and given the choice, there’s one or two that I wouldn’t have selected.

     Middle aged, a time when you begin to see more gray hair and wrinkles and wonder where the time went.  I had fun getting here.  I don’t have many regrets, but I do wish time would slow down a bit.

     Middle aged, old enough to have hot flashes.  I don’t mind them too much.  I have a T-shirt and emblazoned on the front are the words ‘I’m not having a hot flash my inner child is playing with matches.’  My inner child plays often.

     I do have one question.  Why is it that on cold days, when I can really use it, my inner child decides to refrain from being a pyromaniac ?  It’s cold outside tonight!

I am a fan

     Okay, I admit it.  I’m a Jeff Dunham fan.  I grew up watching Edgar Bergen and never has there been anyone to compare to him until Jeff Dunham came along. 

     The first time I saw Jeff Dunham’s act he only had his purple sidekick, Peanuts.  Wow, how long ago was that?

     I’ve enjoyed watching his group of wise cracking puppets grow.  The man’s superbly twisted humor is obvious in all his characters from Walter the old curmudgeon to Achmed the dead terrorist.

     I watched Dunham’s Christmas special on the comedy channel the other night and the man had me rolling on the floor.  In this rough economic time, we all need a good laugh and this man certainly delivers.

     I’ve seen his other shows a few times and each time they’ve made me laugh, not many people can do that to me.  I say take your laughs where you can get them they are good for your health. 

     Oh, and Jeff if you’re ever in our area I’ll be the first in line for tickets to your show.

Lucky I didn’t catch them…

     We had some vandalism done to our new vinyl fence tonight.  After I’d ranted, raved, and cussed at whoever did it, I told Dear Hubby they were lucky that I hadn’t caught them in the act. 

     Don’t forget I write murder mysteries.  I came up with a hundred or so ways they’d pay for their intrusion into our lives.  None of them was very nice but all of them were quite imaginative.  For example, there was the one idea I tossed out of using the damaged pickets in a certain spot to turn the vandals into popsicles.  However, most weren’t that nice.

     The police came and made a report because the damage was enough to warrant one.

     Dear Hubby can’t do the repairs needed on the fencing and I am handy but with the colder weather closing in, this repair isn’t going to be easy.  At least with warm weather I could bend the new pickets enough to place them into the fence without damaging them.  I’m not so sure now.  We could call the fencing company and have them do it but the second month it was up we had some minor car damage to the fence and it took them several weeks to show up.

     It’s too bad that I didn’t catch the idiots.  One thing I would’ve done was make their lives miserable for a while.  This was intentional damage, done without the least care as to how it affected us.  Worst of all this was probably done as a lark, by kids-oh, look at me!  See what I can do! 

     Now, my dogs can’t run loose in the yard until the fence is fixed.  Gavin and Patty will not be amused.

Bats in the belfry.

     When Dear Hubby worked patrol he had an agreement with his partner, he’d take all the bat calls if his partner took the bee calls.  DH hated bees and his partner had a phobia about bats.  I later found out his partner wasn’t the only cop afraid of bats.

     One night while Dear Hubby was working the night shift we had a bat in the house.  I’m not afraid of bats but I don’t like them flying about in my living room low enough to dodge the ceiling fans but high enough to make the dogs go crazy.  Dear Hubby was at work, the dogs were going ape shit, and I couldn’t catch the darned thing.  I called DH and he told me to call the local PD, so I did.  

     A young rookie showed up at my door and when I explained the problem he seemed all business.  He checked out the first floor, no bat.  He went to climb the stairs to the second floor with me behind him, but his courage was rapidly failing him.  I knew I was better off without his help when he stopped midway up the stairs and turned to me to say, “You better not stay behind me, ’cause if the darned thing flies at me I’ll probably run you over.” 

     At that point I told him he might as well leave I’d handle it myself.  He was out the door and gone before the last word left my mouth.  So there I was alone with the bat and two dogs that I’d safely crated to keep them out of my way.  I dimmed the lights on the first floor, picked up a tennis racket, and proceeded to turn on every light on the second floor.  Yeah, he flew downstairs.  Then the bat flew from living room to kitchen three or four times, before I managed to bonk him with the tennis racket.  I’ve done it before and I am able to hit lightly enough only to stun them.  I quickly scooped him up and gently deposited him outside.

     I called DH.  “Fat lot of good it does to have a cop who is terrified of bats show up on a bat call.”

     “Did he get the bat?”

     “Hell, no.  The poor rookie was shaking in his boots so bad I sent him on his way.  Took me about ten minutes but I got the bat.”

     Another bat round up where a badminton racket came in handy was at my sister’s house.  We were seated in her living room when out of the corner of my eye I saw a bat flutter in from the kitchen, through the living room, dining room, and back to the kitchen.  I calmly mentioned this not realizing what a commotion it would cause.

     My mother screamed and threw an afghan over her head.  My sister shrieked and threw herself onto the floor.  My brother-in-law screeched like a girl and vanished.

     I trotted to the kitchen, retrieved a badminton racket we’d played with earlier in the day and waited for the bat to make the circuit.  Bonk.  I picked the bat up in a paper bag.  When I went to go out onto the back porch with the bat, I found my brother-in-law.  He was on the other side of the door holding it closed.

     I held up the bag.  “It’s safe now.  The bat is in here.”  To prove it the bat began to move in the bag.

     My brother-in-law squealed and ran for the living room.

     I went outside and released the bat but I was giggling so bad it took me about five minutes to compose myself before I went back in.

My van is haunted.

     My old brown van was a faithful friend.  Baby traveled long distances repeatedly and without protest.  Shabby and nearly naked of paint, she limped along on her second transmission her last few years, and I didn’t trust driving her far from home.  Last fall she died.  We couldn’t afford a new vehicle so I bought another used mini-van.  This one is white. 

     For a little while, the new, used van was without a single problem.  Then odd things began to happen.  It started with the door locks.  Normally they would lock when I hit fifteen miles per hour, and this was fine.  Now they lock, unlock, lock, and unlock while I’m driving.  I’m used to it now but this startles friends.   Especially when I say,  “Oh, did I tell you that my van is haunted?” 

     They give me that look normally reserved for the crazy people with the tin foil hats. 

     I hit the turn signals and the wipers go on, I have to turn them on and off to get them to stop.  Again, I say, “Haunted.”  I’m having fun but I don’t think my friends are.  I grin.  

     They laugh nervously and give me a sidelong look.  

     When I make a hard right or left, my wipers go on.  I’ve been finding fingernail marks in the upholstery lately. 

     It could be that my driving scares the crap out of them.  Then again, it could be the van. 

     I’m rethinking this van’s name I don’t think the one I’d chosen when I first got it fits.  Maybe Casper?

Oh, opossum!

    Like many people, we have a metal storage shed in our back yard.  Sometimes Dear Hubby forgets to close the door.  When I find it opened, I close it.  A few years ago, I learned to check inside the shed before I close it.  One never knows what could wander in there. 

     Upon entering the shed one bright morning, looking for a small item I knew was in there, and knew that without a flashlight I’d never find it.  I blithely shined the flashlight towards the back wall of the shed whereupon I spied a naked rat-like tail.  As I moved the light along the tail I thought, Oh, please tell me that’s not a…rat, HOLY CRAP that’s a big freakin’ rat tail…er-oh, thank God it’s an opossum!  Then he bared his teeth and hissed. 

     I jumped back, slammed the shed doors closed, and pondered what to do about the critter with the sharp white teeth who had rudely hissed at me.  DH was at work.  Well, it least it’s not a gigantic rat.  I couldn’t leave him in there, the dogs would sniff him out, and then I’d really have my hands full.  I’m not into carnage and chaos. 

     I’ve worked as a vet tech among my many and varied occupations so using that experience I decided to rig a crude rabies pole.  I did not intend to get too close to those teeth.  I took a mop handle with a large screw eye on the end, took a rope with a slipknot and looped it through the screw eye and my rabies pole looked good to go.  Next, I had to figure out what to put the creature in once I’d caught him. 

     I dug an old galvanized washtub out of the cellar and tested the garbage can lid to see if it would fit, yes it did.  Now I had something with which to catch the opossum, something to put it in, but no way to transport it anywhere we only had one car at the time and DH had it.  I called a friend of ours.  He laughed, and told me that IF I caught it and secured it in the washtub, then he’d come and take to the woods. 

     I am woman, I am strong, I can do anything…I caught it.  There was a minor struggle to get it into the washtub accompanied by a lot of growling and hissing from the angry creature, not to mention a few choice words on my part.  I managed to cover the tub with the lid while removing the slip knotted rope from the opossum’s neck without it escaping or biting.  Then I tied the lid on top of the tub and called our friend back.  

     A few minutes later, he arrived.  We loaded the growling washtub into the back of his truck and went to a nearby park that has trees, a river, and plenty of cover for a wild creature.  I don’t think our friend truly believed I had an opossum in the washtub until he untied the lid, stood back, toed the lid off the tub, and the opossum leapt out and ran for cover.

“Happiness is wanting what you have.”

     A friend wrote to me that she’d quoted that to someone yesterday.  It is so very true.  I’m glad to say I want what I have, in fact, I’m happy with it.  

     Unfortunately, I see many unhappy people who aren’t happy because they don’t appreciate what they have.  These are the people who always want more money, bigger homes, boobs, better cars, jobs, husbands, wives, partners, you name it they want it.  They’re never happy unless they max out their credit cards to get things.  If they can’t do it that way then they take, lie, cheat, and steal to get what they want.   

     Once they have those things, they find that it doesn’t fill the hole they feel inside and they wind up still wanting more.  Why?  They don’t want what they have.  They want what someone else has.   

          Happiness is wanting what you have.” 

     Are you happy?

What do you mean the power is out? I haven’t had my coffee yet.

     I hate it when coffee sits on a warmer all day.  It tastes burned after the first fifteen minutes.  I have my coffee maker set to turn off immediately after the pot fills.  I heat each cup in the microwave and I never get that all-day-on-the-burner flavor.  They do have coffee pots that have thermal carafes, but then the coffee tastes like eau de old thermos coffee after the first hour.  Yes, I’m prickly about my coffee. 

     I don’t spend a fortune going to places like Starbucks ordering lattes or cappuccinos.  When I ask for coffee, I want coffee.  No, I don’t want raspberry, caramel, macadamia nut, chocolate flavored syrup in it.  Can you say coffee?  I don’t mean that brown dishwater that some people try to pass off as coffee.  I mean a rich, full bodied, robust cup of coffee.  A one swallow and your eyes pop open coffee.  I want heart pounding, pulse racing, and brain stirring hot coffee. 

     In view of that, a few days ago, when I awoke and found our power was out my first thought was of coffee.  Oh, my God!  Did I make a pot before bed?  Hell, I’ll drink it cold or go heat it on the grill if there is coffee.  Oh, please let there be coffee I can’t wait for a pot to brew on the gas grill.  I need it now. 

     I trudged downstairs dreading a lack of coffee and a day of crankiness on my part.  Entering the kitchen and spotting a full pot of coffee brought a grin, touching the pot and finding it cold lost the grin.  My first defensive line during a power outage in our neighborhood is to go to my best friend’s house she lives a half a block away and she’s on a different power line. 

     I filled my cup and DH never uttered a word as I walked out the front door, he knew where I was heading.  I figured if she had power I’d have a quick heat up on my cup, if she didn’t, then I’d go back home and light up the grill. 

     I knocked on her door, noticed her TV was working, and when I saw her through the screen I held up my cup, gave her my most pitiful look and said, “Must-have-coffee-heated….”  Joy of joys, she snatched my cup from hands and popped it into her microwave.  One minute later, I had my hot coffee and everyone around me could breathe again.