Category Archives: Misc

The hunt for my concentration

 

     A loud buzzer sounded inside.  The door, groaning on its hinges, opened at a snail’s pace.  Shades of a D grade horror film.  I hate horror films.    

     A green cloud billowed out of the opening.  The foul stench made me gag.  I thought nothing could be worse than Gavin’s farts—I was wrong.

     Two steps in found me hopelessly tangled in a spider’s web of sticky, red tape.  My muse wasn’t kidding.  All I needed now was to have some giant, horror of a spider skulking above me.  Don’t look.  You won’t be happy if you look.  Beads of nervous sweat rolled down my back.

     I used my trusty little pocket knife to hack through the gluey strands.  Like a jungle explorer, I slashed my way forward.  Eight struggling steps brought me to a tall counter, the top of which was even with my forehead.  I had to back up two steps to see over it.  I wished I hadn’t. 

     “Fee Fi Fo Fum.  I smell a human who must be dumb.”  The giant glared at me.

     My first attempt to answer came out as a mouse squeak.  I cleared my throat and answered again.  “Not dumb, determined.  I lost my concentration and I need to find it.”

     “Can you describe it?”

At the lost and found warehouse

 

     We’d been driving through the Whimsy Warehouse District for over an hour when my muse pointed at a nondescript, three floor high cement block building.  “There it is, over there.” 

     “It had better be the right building this time.” 

     “I’m sure it is.”

     “That’s what you said at the last half dozen or so buildings.  Just for the record, I’m not fond of being chased by vicious trolls with huge teeth.”

     “You don’t have to be mean.”  My muse’s lower lip quivered and her eyes filled with tears.  “I told you I was sorry.  I haven’t been out here for over a quarter of a century.  ”

     “No need for waterworks.”  I parked in front of the building.  A small sign with ‘L&F’ crudely painted on it hung above door.  “It really doesn’t look as if they want this found.”

     “They don’t.”

     “Does that mean more trolls?”

     “Um, not so much.”

     I hesitated on opening my door.  “What does that mean?”

     “Red tape.  Lots of red tape.”

     “No trolls?”

     “No trolls.”

     I got out of the car but my muse didn’t.  Red flags went up.  “Are you coming?”

     “I’d rather stay in the car.”

     “Why?”

     She refused to answer.  I shrugged, trudged through the flags to the door, and rang the tiny doorbell that was nearly out of my reach…

Where did my concentration go?

 

     If I keep banging my head on my keyboard, I’m going to need a new one.  I could blame my muse but it really isn’t her fault. 

    Damned right it isn’t my fault.” 

     “No comments from the peanut gallery.  May I continue?

     “Be my guest.”

     The fault is mine.  I can’t seem to concentrate.  Maybe it’s from being stuck in the house so long.  Could it possibly be the lack of sunshine and fresh air?  My muse has tried to keep me on track.

     Yes, I have.  You aren’t cooperating though.”

     “If you keep interrupting I won’t get this post finished.”

     “Shutting up now.”

     “Good.”

     As I said, my muse has tried to keep me on track.

     “Quit repeating yourself.  That nasty little editor will show up if you don’t stop.”

     “Would you rather write this?”

     “It’s against the rules.”

     “What rules?  Oh, never mind.”

     I’ve lost my concentration.  If I hunt for it, will I find it?  Is there a lost and found warehouse for these things?  Is there a grouchy old man behind a counter guarding all the lost concentration?  Will I need to fill out a special form to get it back?  To be continued…

“Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore…”

 

     Actually, I haven’t been in Kansas for many years.  In spite of this, since my sweatshirt happens to have that quote on it, I figured it was good place to start.  After the howling winds and abundance of snow that we had last night, when I put the shirt on today, it brought to mind the adventures of Dorothy in the Land of Oz.  I’ve thought of it off and on all day and it’s no wonder.  I can day dream with the best of them. 

     My imagination was in high gear as I sat at my desk trying to write a troubling scene.  Is it no wonder that I drifted off while staring out at my world?  Not unlike Dorothy, leaving the dull confines of a land in sepia tones, I sought to escape my land.  Although what I saw wasn’t sepia tones but far too much white.  Tomorrow it will still all be white with gray clouds to go along with it.

     Oh, how nice it would be to wake in a land of bright colors and perfect weather.  However, with my luck, a house would land on me, my toes would curl up, and I’d disappear.

This is my 500th post!

 

     Wow, it makes feel as if I should have a celebration or something.  Grab your party hats, raise your glasses, and toss some confetti.  (I said confetti, not your cookies Mr. B.  Elena cleaned up after you once today.) 

     I’ve noticed I can never predict how many readers a post will get.  I don’t even come close.  There are some that, as I write them, I think will draw readers.  Only to find out at the end of the day, I was completely wrong.

     I find that I am statistics addicted when it comes to my posts.  After I go to my dashboard to approve comments, I hit the statistics page.  Some totals I find easy to understand and others make me wonder.  6 hits a day or more on my Bottomline Books posts—easy to understand, they fleece people daily.

     What makes me wonder, you ask.  I wonder what sort of posts my readers prefer to read.  Would you be interested in some short stories?  My struggles of working to change from one of the unpublished to the published?  Dialogues with the little editor, my muse, and characters?  More ‘life with the idiot dogs’ tales?  Life as the wife of someone with MS?  Gardening?  More recipes?  On the other hand, I could continue to wing it as I’ve done for the last 500 posts.

     On the weather front …It’s still snowing here and along with it, we have wind, lots of wind.  I’m glad that I added fresh water to the pond when the temperature hit 45 degrees the other day, at least I don’t have to worry about the Koi.

Dream a little dream of green for me

 

     A part of the yard peeps from under the last blanket of snow.  It won’t last.  Forecasters predict twelve to eighteen inches of white stuff will cover us by Friday.  At least we got a peek of green.  It may be weeks before we see it again. 

     I think, rather than dwell on the coming blizzard, I’ll dream of green grass and the garden in full bloom.  I’ll think of the magnolia clad in pink blossoms.  Maybe I’ll sip a cool drink under the tree.  I’ll dream of spring flowers swaying in warm, gentle breezes, of lounging on the hammock while working on my books. 

     I’ll dream of fishing and walking in the parks, of playing with the dogs, rolling in the grass, and warmth.  I won’t think of 60 mph wind driven snow.  No, I won’t think of that.  I’ll imagine sitting on the bench rock dangling my feet in the pond, and tickling the Koi as they feed from my hands.  I’ll dream of bullfrog songs, warm sunny skies, outdoors, BBQs, sultry nights, and green things.

All aboard the train to Crazy Town

 

     Sometimes I feel like the train’s conductor.  At other times, I feel like a passenger.  During some conversations with DH, I feel as though I’ve stepped on the train, handed the conductor my ticket to punch, and am on my way.  Woo, woo!

     It usually starts with him saying something from left field.  You know, that place where you have no idea what the heck he’s talking about or where it came from.

     My normal response is, “What?”

     He must think I’m hard of hearing because he repeats what he said louder.

     “I heard you.  I’m asking you what you are talking about not what you said.”

     He repeats what he said.

     “Where did that come from?”

     It came from some subject long past that has slipped out of my mind and meandered down the tracks.  Time has gone by, subjects have changed, and I’m not losing my mind I’ve moved on.  I’m sure you know how it is.  37 years with this man, you think I’d be used to it by now, but he can still drive me ‘round the bend at times.

     Chugga, chugga, choo, choo.  The train has left the station.

There’s snow crazy like snow crazy

 

     Standing at the kitchen window, I yelled and shook my fist at the sky.  “Stop, stop, stop!” 

     The snowflakes fell paying me no heed.

     DH walked into the kitchen and looked at me as if I’d lost my mind.  I guess I have lost what little of it I had left.  This has been a very long winter with far too much snow. 

     “Go away.  Go visit Cousin Carol in Boston.”  Sorry Carol, but you didn’t get the last storm.  I have visions of her giving me a Gibbs slap for that one. 

     I railed at the sky, and yet, as I did, the snow continued to fall.

     “Turn to rain, please turn to rain.”

     “Have you finished ranting at the weather yet?”  DH asked.

     “No.”

     “Did it stop it?”

     “No.”

     “Then why do it?”

     “I do it because it makes me feel better.”

     “You’re nuts.”

     “I am.”  I made a face and did a silly dance.  “I always have been, but isn’t that part of why you married me?”

     He chuckled and threw a pillow at me. 

     I caught the pillow and threw it back.  “I love you too.  I’d love you more if you could make it stop snowing.”

The birds will be happy

 

     I’d neglected hanging suet out in the gardens for quite a while.  The squirrels would clean it out before the birds could get to it.  It hardly seemed worth spending the money on tree rats.  Those gray furred monsters chased all the birds away.  Now, I haven’t seen a squirrel in the yard since I stopped putting out suet.  I’ve seen very few birds too.

     Yesterday we had many birds in the yard.  They were all playing in the waterfall.  Cardinals, chickadees, juncos, and sparrows were splashing away like kids in a pool.  Since I was heading to the grocery store, I added suet to my list.  It won’t take them long to find it.  They will be happy.  I just hope word doesn’t get back to the neighborhood tree rats.

     The squirrels have an uncanny sense that there’s suet about.  With luck, the birds will find it first.  G is closer to the cemetery’s tall trees.  So far this year the squirrels have damaged four hanging suet baskets and three bird feeders at her place.  We keep hoping that our neighborhood hawk has put a dent in the tree rat population.

Ouch, that hurts!

 

     DH broke his big toe.  I know because I’ve done it myself more than once.  He’d been complaining about his toe since he fell on Tuesday.  Tonight he noticed the bruising.  He came downstairs to show me. 

     I looked at it…nodded my head, and said, “Yep, it’s broken.”

     “It hurts,” he said.

     “I know it does.  Are you going back to bed now?”

     “Yeah, but did you see how black and blue it is?”

     “It is bruising some.  Another day or two and it’ll look real ugly.” 

     All you can do for a broken toe is wait for it to heal.  This is going to be a long six weeks. 

     Men whine, their theatrics when sick or hurt are often worthy of Oscars. 

     For best actor in the drama… Flu Days, we present this award to…

     For best actor in the comedy… We All Fall Down, the award goes to…

     Don’t get me wrong, I feel for him.  I really do.  As I said, I’ve been there.

Where did my brain go?

 

     My brain went on a vacation.  However, it did leave several voice mails for me.

     Message 1:  “Um, hello?  Geez, I hate voicemail.  Anyway, this is your brain.  I’m going on vacation.  I hear that Hawaii doesn’t have snow.”

     Message 2:  “It’s me again.  You know.  Your brain?  I just wanted to let you know I forgot to put coffee on the grocery list, you might want to do that.”

     Message 3:  “Just arrived in Honolulu.  It’s a balmy 71.  I hear it’s supposed to hit 81 this afternoon.  Enjoy the snow.  Neener neener neener.”

     I threw my cell phone against the wall.  If my brain wants to be nasty about it, I won’t listen to my voicemail.

     I received a strange E-mail.  “This is your brain in Hawaii.  It’s sunny and warm.  Did the next snow storm hit yet?” 

     There were pictures too.  My brain sitting on the beach sipping on a Mai Tai.  (It had better make sure it showers off all that sand.  There’s nothing worse than sand in the crevices.)  My brain at a luau doing the hula.  (Don’t ask it isn’t pretty.)  Then there’s the picture of my brain at the pineapple farm.  (Great, I’m allergic to pineapple so now I’ll be itchy.)

     I hate my brain.

Psst, Phil. Dere’s a contract out on youse

 

       The phone rang.  I answered it.  A strange, gravelly voice on the other end of the line threw chills down my spine.

     “Youse wanted a contract?”

     “What?”  I pulled the phone from my ear for a second and peered at it as if I could see whom it was that asked me such an odd question.

     “I heard youse wanted to put out a contract on some guy called Phil.  I’m your guy.”

     “I have no idea what you are talking about.  I don’t know anyone called Phil.  Wait.  Is this a joke?  Did Jackie put you up to this?”

     “C’mon lady.  I don’t know any Jackie an’ I ain’t joking wid youse.  Ricky Da Nose tol’ me today you wanted somebody to off dis Punksadohicky Phil guy,” he growled.

     “Do you mean Punxsutawney Phil?”

    “Yeah, dat guy.”

     “It’s too late.”

     “What, did someone beat me to da contract?”

     “No.  It’s simply too late.  He already saw his shadow.”

     “Whaddaya mean by dat?  He croak?”

     “Yeah.  He croaked.”

     “Damn, I coulda used da money.”

     “Sorry about that.”

     “Well, if youse needs ta have anybody else offed, you call me.  I’ll do it fer cheap.”

     “I’ll do that.”