Day 22
My debit card and checks arrived. What a relief to feel solvent again.
G and I went to the farmers market I picked up some sauerkraut from the NY Pickle Factory. It’s so good. They also have it with apple. Next time.
We each picked out a sushi tray at Mr. Beelee’s to bring home a eat for lunch.
Then on the way home I stopped to pick up my new glasses.
Day 21
I signed over one of his favorite guns to his old boss at the university today. As we stood in the gun shop filling out paperwork to transfer ownership, I felt sad, deeply sad.
Maybe it wouldn’t have had such a profound effect on me if it hadn’t also been the day the life insurance agent was here for me to fill out that paperwork.
Another chapter has ended.
I’m sure there are many little chapters I must go through before I get to the next major one.
That one terrifies me.
Leaving my home of 46 years. Facing a whole new community. New neighbors.
Hopefully, new friends.
Yeah, it’s scary as hell.
Photo by neil kelly on Pexels.com
Day 20
Loooong day.
Got a few things done.
Met with the financial guy, signed a lot of paperwork.
Stopped at Jay’s pain management and got it on the record that he’s dead and canceled the appointment he had the gal didn’t cancel back when I called them a few days after he died.
Did some minor shopping at Target.
Took G over to Barnes and Nobles for her to replace her Nook.
Got home to find Lucy had pooped in her crate and eaten it. Had to wash all her bedding because she was already down 2 blankets that were waiting to be washed.
Later she threw up.
OMG the stench! Had to clean the kitchen floor thank goodness she did it there and not on a rug or in her crate.
I wasn’t going to feed her dinner but she insisted.
Yep, that was a mistake. Now no food until tomorrow.
And she is staring at me from the ottoman, next to me.
Like this.
Day 19
Had my taxes done today.
We’ve been going to the same woman at HR Block for many years.
She was kind, she missed him.
So there’s another thing ticked of the list of many things I need to do.
Began tearing apart the kitchen cleaning all visible surfaces and putting things in the keep or toss piles.
I seriously need to go buy some more bins and beg people for cardboard boxes.
Old manuscripts… do I keep them?
Cookbooks…keep the ones I use all the time and sell the rest?
I dread digging through all the pots and pans.
Spice cupboards will go into a big bin that goes with me wherever I land.
I’ve thinned down his clothes. So many bags of them and I am nowhere near done.
All I can think of is, “what am I forgetting to do?”
I’m drowning.
Day 18
Most days I feel like I am suffering from Dissociative identity disorder.
There’s the coping okay and strong one who everyone sees.
There’s the puddle of tears on the floor needing a ton of hugs one. No one sees.
There’s the ‘I got married at nineteen and that’s all I know’ terrified one who hides whenever anyone appears.
Then there’s the ‘play the music louder, dance a little, enjoy the solitude you’ve never had’ one.
Finally, there’s the paralyzed in place one. She’s the one who feels like she’s forgetting some vital things that will bite her in the ass in the future.
Day 17
There’s so damned much to sort through.
46 years of life in one house.
When one partner is a latent hoarder.
I swear I’ve found a few things I know I threw away.
Plus there’s the dust and dirt to deal with, he got so every time I’d try to clean, he’d either mess it up, or tell me to knock it off.
“I can’t hear the TV.”
“That’s why we have the closed captions on.”
“The vacuum makes too much noise.” Or he’d holler from his room, “I’m trying to sleep do you have to run that now?”
“If not now, when?”
“Can I at least get the dusting done?”
If looks could’ve killed, I’d be long dead.
So, I’ve made a vow to myself that when I go into a room, I clean something and throw something out.
So far the bathroom is clean and the kitchen is looking a lot nicer. The living room isn’t half bad either.
I mopped the kitchen floor and even though I had to stop frequently to sit and ease the back pain, it is clean in all but one corner. There’s a lot of stuff there I need to go through.
Lucy seems to be becoming a new dog. She’s happier, more playful, and relaxed. From 10 a.m., after her breakfast, to 5 p.m. she’s a whirlwind of ‘throw the toy Mom!’ At 5, after her dinner, she conks out.
Toy box at 10 a.m.
Living room at 4:30 p.m.
Think she had a busy day?
Day 16
Unfortunately, our mail gets here at weird hours, often as late as 8 p.m. Today my mail got here at 4:30.
There was a letter from Social Security, they over-paid him so I need to pay them over $700.00.
They smell blood in the water…
Lovely.
Blood from a stone….
They are all landing.
Day 15
The life insurance guy I finally got a hold of was so sweet…and then when he pulled up Jay’s file he said “Oh this is such and so’s account. I’ll send them the information and they should get back to you.”
They haven’t. I’m left hanging again.
I want the other guy back, I’d rather have him work on this.
I guess what one wants and what one can get are two different things.
So I sat around all day waiting for a call back.
At least I managed to cancel his AARP account. Such nice people.
Made an appointment with our tax lady…
And called out financial agent back to let him know the death certificates were here so let’s set up that appointment we talked about.
I packed up another bag full of shirts to go wherever.
I guess today wasn’t a total loss.
Rick stopped by again so Lucy got some extra attention. She’s happy.
Day 14
Has it been two weeks already?
Can’t be.
I still see him falling.
I still see him in the hospital bed.
I still see him in the funeral home.
Why can’t I see him as he used to be when he was happy and smiling?
It was so long since he did that.
Years of pain, frustration, and anger. It changed him.
It made him hard to be with.
But, I stayed.
He’s gone…14 days.
2 weeks.
336 hours.
Day 13
G went with me and we spent several hours at my Credit Union with a very sweet gal (same one who worked on my stolen credit card #s and paypal debacle) she was patient and kind and helped me fill out many forms.
We changed everything over to brand new accounts and charge cards. Almost one stop shopping so to speak.
There are still many people to call about forms I need sent to me to fill out and many places to notify. There’s also making appointments with our tax lady and investment guy and praying I have all the relevant forms with me.
Still haven’t heard a word back from the life insurance company. 
A kindness in the system would be to leave things as they were for a two month period so you have time to get everything done without worrying about changes in the money right away. No one ever said the system was kind.
Day 12
Snowed like crazy last night, so glad I have someone to clear the walk and driveway. Just doing the back steps and two squares of sidewalk had me wheezing and reaching for my rescue inhaler.
Cleaned my car off and headed out to my eye doctor appointment in the afternoon. Jay was there last month so they were shocked to hear of his death.
Got my eyes checked and they claim there is no change. And I get to use my funky new frames.
NO sign of macular degeneration which is my greatest fear since my mother had it. I do have a smidgen of cataract activity and will need to be checked yearly now.
Day 11
(In my best Desi Arnez voice.) “Lucy, what you doing?”
Lucy backs away from the computer. “Nuffing.”
I check the history.
“You added more toys to my Amazon wish list!”
Lucy, “NOOOOO, Wasn’t me! I did not do that!”
“Yeah sure.”
Sigh.
“I promise, when we know there’s no money problems, I will buy them for you. Just stop putting them on the wish list for now. OKAY?”
Lucy sighs, “Okay.”
Grumbles under her breath, “There better be tons of dem.”
Doggonedmysteries 