Blog Archives

Back to a quiet neighborhood?

 

     It looks as though the front porch and roof construction across the street is finally nearing an end.  I’ll be so glad to have the peace and quiet back.  From the time the work began, the workers have kept a radio blasting and they start a little after seven in the morning.  The work itself isn’t quiet.  All of this takes place below my bedroom window.  I am somewhat sleep deprived and cranky these days.

     I won’t miss the sounds of hammers, saws, cement trucks, wood tossed into dumpsters, the loud radio, and the yelling.  I won’t miss the cars of the workers parked everywhere, nor will I miss the honking horns of them leaving.

     Why do people have to honk their car horns for anything other than an emergency?  For that matter, why do they blast their music so loud that it not only rattles the windows but the bass levels rattle the entire house?  Then again, I was one of those teens who didn’t blast my music to deafening levels.  Yep, I was weird.

     I’d love to see those cars that have the bass up to sonic boom levels suddenly crumble into teensy pieces of metal or fiberglass leaving the startled driver sitting on a seat in the middle of the road.  Mwahahaha!  Did I say I was a bit cranky?

How many ways can you say ‘have sex’ and keep it, uh, clean?

 

     As writers, we have to come up with various ways to say ‘having sex’ without delving into the use of that four letter word.  I mean we COULD use that word BUT then you get editors and readers who don’t like the word and stop reading.  We don’t want that!  Many of us use that word—I include myself in there, but we use it sparingly in our writing, if at all.

      At the May Pennwriters conference, the subject came up when I asked Dave, after reading his works for years, just exactly how many ways he could say it.  (Actually, I think I said, “Holy crap, Dave you can write F___ in more ways than anyone I know.  Have you ever written them all down in a list?  We could have some fun by asking everyone what euphemisms they use.)  He often surprises me with his euphemisms.  Today he finally got around to sending me a list of fifty three.

 Dave’s List

  1.  Bang
  2.  Bed bounce
  3.  Bedroom bolero
  4.  Boff
  5.  Boink
  6.  Bounce the Beauty Rest
  7.  Bump uglies
  8.  Bury his boner
  9.  Condom Cha-cha
  10.  Dip his wick
  11.  Do the nasty
  12.  Futon fandango
  13.  Foxtrot on the futon
  14.  Get laid
  15.  Grope and poke
  16.  Haul his ashes
  17.  Honk his horn
  18.  Hop her bones
  19.  Horizontal hoedown
  20.  Hump
  21.  Lay down lap dance
  22.  Massage his mast
  23.  Mating Macarena
  24.  Mattress mambo
  25.  Nail
  26.  Party on the Posturepedic
  27.  Polka on the Posturepedic
  28.  Poke
  29.  Polish his pole
  30.  Pump
  31.  Pump his pole
  32.  Punch
  33.  Put out
  34.  Quickie
  35.  Ride his rod
  36.  Ride the saddle
  37.  Rock the rack
  38.  Rod rumba
  39.  Screw
  40.  Serta samba
  41.  Shake the Serta
  42.  Slide the salami
  43.  Split her uprights
  44.  Stroking his pole
  45.  Sweat the sheets
  46.  Tangle the sheets
  47.  Tangle toenails
  48.  Toe-to-toe tango
  49.  Trojans tango
  50.  Warming his wick
  51.  Waxing his wick
  52.  Woody massage
  53.  Woody waltz

      Now, I’m sure there are plenty of writers and regular people who have other euphemisms.  Romance writers probably have a whole dictionary of them.  You are welcome to add to the list.  I only have 4 rules.

  1. Keep it fairly clean and no fair using the words sex, F**k, or anything Dave beat you to with his list.  
  2. Please no mentioning the body parts involved by name or vulgar slang terms.  I don’t want this blog X-rated.
  3. I have the right of approval, if I find your list offensive I will edit or delete it.
  4. Dave and I have the right to appropriate all really, really, good ones for our own use.  😉

Some day Stacy and Clinton will darken my door

 

     I’m a prime candidate for the show What Not To Wear.  I am a fashion moron, a fashionista’s nightmare a slob–I’m not kidding here folks.  If it weren’t for my dear friend G, I wouldn’t have a thing to wear that wasn’t a T-shirt, or a sweatshirt with jeans.  Most of my jeans are ratty looking and my choice of shirts would make Stacey cringe and Clinton vomit.

     As I sat there watching the show tonight (for lack of anything else interesting being on TV) I came to conclusion, that one day, in the future, one of my friends was bound to send my name into the show.  If only to watch me embarrass myself in public.  Then again, I often embarrass myself in public, so what else is new?

     I can disgrace myself in less than a minute.  Walk me into a clothing store and watch me have a complete meltdown.

     “Clothes?  You want me to buy clothes?  Are you out of your friggin’ mind?”

HPIM0777

     On another note…Today marks the one year anniversary of this blog.  When I began writing this a year ago I never expected to have as many hits or lovely comments as I’ve had.  Thank you dear readers for giving me the encouragement to continue doing this.

Procrastination or a necessity?

 

     I finally got around to clearing my desk of junk.  Papers, magazines, old bills, and various other piles of debris landed in the recycling bin.  Lo and behold, I found my desk. 

     Was this another delaying tactic on my part?  No, in truth, the desk was in dire need of cleaning.  I could’ve written my novel in the dust.  The heaps of crap stuff were beginning to block my computer monitor.  I can’t write if I can’t see the danged screen now can I.  When all that’s left sticking out of the detritus is a keyboard, mouse, and three quarters of a monitor screen, I think it’s time to clean.  I could call in Kim and Aggie and have them clean, but I don’t think my house is dirty enough to qualify.

     Have you seen those houses they clean on that show?  If mine looked that ghastly, I’d burn it down.  I certainly wouldn’t allow those two women and a camera crew to come in and film them screeching in horror at the filth.

     Does a clean and organized desk make you a better writer?  I’m not certain about that yet I’ll let you know.

Baby, it’s cold outside

 

     It’s barely over forty degrees outside tonight and my furnace kicked on early this evening.  The dogs love this weather.  They’ve been total idiots for the last few days.  My bruises are proof of that.  With every wild romp around the yard or huckle butt in the house, I’m home base.  There’s nothing like having two 65 lb dogs land in your lap at the same time.

     The trees have begun to dress themselves in their fall finery, and at this rate, I’ll soon have to start raking the yard.  That means another bout of insanity with the dogs.  They are worse than kids are or I am when it comes to jumping into leaf piles.  Gavin and Patty beat me to them every time.

     We had such a wet summer we didn’t get to enjoy sitting outside in the evenings as often as we would have liked.  I’d sit outside now if I could do so comfortably.  But baby, it’s cold outside and I miss summer already.

I peeled myself from the ceiling

 

     So there I was working away on my book when a loud BANG shook the house.  It sounded as if a mortar had gone off in our driveway.  After I peeled myself from the ceiling, I cussed a bit because with the BANG, the power went out.  I looked at my computer monitor’s black screen, shrugged, and thought, “so much for writing.” 

     It was a few minutes before five and the dogs were hungry.  So was I.  Oh, great.  At least they could eat I don’t have to cook their food.  I fed the dogs while Dear Hubby called the power company—we were the 28th call in the few minutes after the BANG.  DH lit all the kerosene lamps.  I went out to talk to the neighbors who were gathering out on the sidewalks.  We all tried to figure out what had exploded.

     I saw G come home and went over to her house.  SHE HAD POWER.  First thing I said to her when she came to the door was “KMA, woman!  You have power.”  She laughed.  They always seem to have power when ours goes out.  They are less than a half block away from us but they are on another line.  However, I got the last laugh.  She was cooking their dinner.  Dear Hubby was ordering pizza.

Healthy dog and no oven light

 

     As we begin a new week, I’m happy to note that Gavin seems to be back to 100%.  There is no swelling in his face or neck and he’s been full of himself all day with this cooler weather.  He’s felt so good that he completely wound up Patty.  I’m lucky to have a stick left standing in the house.  What a pair of loons.

     The light in my oven blew tonight.  The original light that came with the oven several years back.  The oven is a wall oven and the light is in the back, I’m short I can’t reach it without a ladder.  Hell, I can’t reach it WITH a ladder.

     Dear Hubby decided to come to the rescue.  He removed the light cover and went to remove the bulb.  The bulb broke at the base.  No, the potato trick wouldn’t work.  We can’t get the base of the light out.  It is well and truly stuck, and now quite a mess, since he tried to remove it with tools.  He tried pliers, needle nosed pliers, even a friggin’ chisel for heaven’s sake.  I have no light in my oven.  I have a mangled, completely stuck, base of a light bulb, but no light.

Gnasty gnats

 

     The last couple of weeks we have a plague of gnats.  They swarm and bite not just the dogs but us too.  When I ran the trimmer around the pond, the gardens, and along the fence those nasty bugs were biting the heck out of my ears.  They drew blood and were worse than the mosquitoes.  It’s a darned shame the bull frogs consider them too small to be an appetizer.

     No, our frogs want to eat birds and nightcrawlers.  One of the frogs, probably Goliath, has the mourning doves on heightened patrol at the waterfall.  The birds have begun to use a lookout when they come in to drink.  I haven’t seen any starlings stop by for quite a while.  

     When I sit on the little bench by the back door, I can see a dozen or so gold finches feasting on my coneflowers’ seeds.  They arrive every afternoon around five and aren’t as skittish now as they were this summer.  The cat bird joins them.  From the far side of the cemetery I can hear the red tailed hawk yelling at the mowers.  I can’t stay outside and enjoy the birds for long because the gnats discover me again.

Return of the klutz

 

     I fell the other day.  Stepping off the back porch steps, I hit that uneven bit of sidewalk again, the same place where I sprained both ankles last summer.  Down I went, this time my ankles were spared, but not my right butt cheek, my hand, and shoulder.  I landed on my butt, broke a vein in the palm of my hand (it’s quite a lovely shade of purple now), and I jounced my shoulder.

     I’m certain I was quite a sight for my neighbors as I landed splat on my backside.  I was taking Gavin out at the time.  Delighted to have me on his level, he raced over, began to lick my face, and tried to crawl into my lap.  I went into a fit of the giggles.  Gavin took that as a good sign and he scoured my face with more enthusiasm.  By then I was so weak from the giggles I couldn’t push him off me so we ended up rolling around on the grass. 

     The neighbors are probably convinced that I’m certifiable.

Gavin, Lee Lofland, Castle, and more

 

     Gavin’s face look less swollen today and he actually stole a Nylabone from Patty to chew on it for a bit.  She was very sweet and let him take it.  I think she’s as glad as we are that he’s feeling better.

     I adore Lee Lofland’s site, The Graveyard Shift.  Heck, I adore Lee.  I met him at a Pennwriters conference.  Last TV season Lee ran a critique of Castle every week—one of my favorite new shows.  He’s started doing a critique of it again this season.  I enjoy his insights and those of the others who comment there.  Having a retired cop in the house, I see (or have them pointed out to me) most of the blips in the crime shows.

     I’ve begun the fall cleaning cycle in my house.  I tackled my desk yesterday and cleared it of an over abundance of crap paper work, magazines, and reference books that I put back in their proper places in the bookcase.  I then dusted and cleaned the entire desk.  Wow, I can see under my monitor now and the glass desk top gleams.  Tomorrow I’ll work on the rest of the living room.

Fun at the vet or Chicken Dog has a bad day

 

     Another sleep deprived day.  Dear Hubby woke me early to say that Gavin’s face was still swollen but not quite as much as last night.  I had him call the vet while I showered and dressed.  We had the choice of going in around 11 a.m. to see a vet who hasn’t seen our dogs nor does he know us, or wait until 2:45 to see our favorite vet.  We chose the 2:45 appointment.  Gavin doesn’t care who it is he sees he doesn’t want to be there anyway.

     Gavin loves to ride in the car, but he hates going to the vet’s office.  I thank my lucky stars that he doesn’t have to go often.  When we arrive, he’ll hop out of the car, mark the porch steps, walk inside, sit on the scale long enough to give a paw and have his weight checked, and all is hunky dory until I begin to walk him to an exam room.  He puts on the brakes and drops to the floor.  You can offer him all the cookies in the world and he won’t get to his feet and walk.

     If you’ve ever wondered why a vet’s office has slippery floors, it’s for chicken dogs.  They slide along rather nicely.  Of course, one looks like a cruel person while one drags a flattened, floor hugging, 65 pound dog across the waiting room.  The only time he’ll get to his feet is when you cross the threshold of the exam room and he decides it’s time to leave.  DH has learned to close the door fast.  (Now you know why I drag DH along.) 

     While we wait for the vet to come in, Gavin tries to hide under the chair DH is sitting on.  Heck, he even tried to crawl under my purse.  When the vet came in, I was sitting on the floor with 65 pounds of shaking, shedding, white dog on my lap.  He shed enough fur to knit another dog in the few minutes we waited.  I’ve never had a vet phobic dog before so bear with me.  Gavin won’t look our vet in the face even when bribed with the tastiest of treats. 

     The vet wanted to look in Gavin’s mouth—well, let’s say he wanted to, tried to, but then broke down into the giggles and asked if we had a jack.  I suggested a crow bar.  Gavin was NOT going to open his mouth.  The scenario is that we all hope it’s a bee sting or something to that effect.  However, in case it is an infection the vet decided he had to do something.

     One antibiotic shot and a couple of prescriptions later we were out off there.  Gavin hauled ass to get out of the building, and pile into the car.  I’m to call them every day to let them know how Chicken Dog is and if the swelling doesn’t go down and Gavin isn’t back to his old self in a few days we’ll go back.  They will sedate him to take a good look in his mouth.  {Sigh}  Since the day he arrived, this dog has never been ‘easy.’

A very long and hectic day indeed

 

     After a mere three hours of sleep, I woke to Dear Hubby telling me we had to be at the oral surgeon’s office at 11 a.m.  So tell me, why was he waking me at 8?  It doesn’t take me three hours to get dressed and toss back a cup of coffee or two.  Ack.  I tried to go back to sleep for a bit but that didn’t work.  I dragged my butt downstairs, foraged for coffee, and told him, “Do not speak to me until I’ve had a second cup or you won’t need to go to a surgeon to have those teeth removed.”  Have I mentioned I had only three hours of  sleep and I am NOT a morning person?

     We arrived on time.  They gave him some paperwork to fill out and took him back to check the damaged teeth.  Meanwhile, I sat in the waiting room and watched salt water fish swim around in a huge tank.  They were lovely, the music was gentle old time jazz, and I almost dozed off.  That’s not easy to do in those hard plastic chairs with low backs. 

     Dear Hubby goes back October 13th.  They will knock him out—they have to or he’ll flip out.  I think this time I’ll grab a book to read and, hopefully, will have slept a few hours longer than I did last night.  No, I didn’t get a nap after we got home.

     Then tonight Gavin was acting out of sorts.  He even had trouble eating his dinner.  I went to look at his mouth to see what was wrong and he yipped when I touched his lower lip.  That’s when I noticed that the right side of his face was swollen.  That’s something not easy to spot on a BT by the way.  I’m praying it’s a bee sting and will be gone by morning.  However, Dear Hubby has instructions that if it’s still bothering Gavin in the morning he’s to call the vet and wake me.  Geez, I hope it’s just a bee sting and will be gone by morning I’m not up to another hectic day.