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One flew over the cuckoo’s nest and I’m sure it was my MIL
Posted by doggonedmysteries
One a.m. thunder and lightning along with pouring rain. DH’s cell phone rings, waking him out of a sound sleep, and the police are on the other end of the line. I found all this out when he came downstairs set to drive across town to his mother’s, for the fourth time in nineteen hours. It seems that my MIL’s power went out for a few minutes and she felt the need to report the fact to the police. They in turn called us. Thanks guys.
The woman is going to be the death of him. Either that or she’s going send him to the funny farm post haste. This, by the way, is where she should be.
I swear she is certifiable, has been for at least 40 years. In fact, for 37 years her lights were on, nobody was home but the cuckoo, and he’s been screaming CUCKOO! Where’s nurse Ratchet when you need her?
The woman is nucking futs. I’d reserve her rubber room for her but the way things are going poor DH would probably be next door to her and I don’t think that would work.
Posted in Misc, My blog, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Bones, books, Books on writing, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, comedy, Craft of writing, crazy, Dead, Disability, Doggoned, Family, Fiction, Home, Humor, Life, Love, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Novel writing, Writer, Writing
The klutz was out and about again
Posted by doggonedmysteries
So there I was running the trimmer around the edges of the yard and the garden when I ever so neatly landed on my butt. Yep, the klutz was out and about again today. This time I tripped over the two bricks and the hose that extend from the filters for use while back washing the pond filter. The hose spewed a bit of water so my pants were also wet. I looked lovely.
Yes, there are bruises. I have one on my butt, and another on my arm that I have no idea how I got one there. I’m betting by tomorrow there will be more. Not to mention the stiff muscles I’ll discover that I never knew I had. I narrowly missed spraining an ankle, again. I’m ever so glad no one saw me fall it couldn’t have been pretty.
Falling once was bad enough, but not five minutes later, I almost repeated the same pratfall on the same two bricks and hose. By now, I think I hold the klutz queen crown firmly within my grasp. Next time I’m moving the bricks and hose before I begin to trim.
However, with my luck I’ll find something else to fall over. I’m taking odds on that.
Posted in Misc, My blog, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Books on writing, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, comedy, Craft of writing, Dead, Disability, Doggoned, Family, Fiction, Gardening, Gardens, Home, Humor, Life, Love, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Novel writing, Writer, Writing
Is it a bear or Sasquatch?
Posted by doggonedmysteries
There’s a man, who walks his dog past our house. Sometime in the future, he will be a character in one of my books. He wouldn’t be a main character or even a minor character. He’d be a walk on.
He’d be one for one reason only and that is for the way he dresses or…um…doesn’t dress. The only reason I dread hot weather is that this man wears teensy shorts and goes shirtless or he wears a tank top with his shorts. It hit 92 degrees here yesterday. Someone gimme some bleach because I need to scrub my eyeballs.
Gentlemen, if you have more hair on your back than your Pekingese has on his whole body, wear a shirt. If you are hairy enough all over to be mistaken for Sasquatch when you wear shorts and go shirtless in the summer, you need to put on long pants and a shirt in public. Please not a tank top because that only emphasizes your hairiness.
If in addition to the hirsuteness, you have a beer belly that extends so far out you haven’t seen your feet in at least ten years, cover yourself.
Posted in Misc, My blog, Weather related, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Books on writing, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, comedy, Craft of writing, Dead, Disability, Doggoned, Family, Fiction, Home, Humor, Life, Love, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Novel writing, Writer, Writing
PW conference in the cheap seats
Posted by doggonedmysteries
It was cheaper to go out to dinner than to pay for the banquet at the conference. Don’t get me wrong, I often attend the banquets but this year I wasn’t sure how much money I would have so when I sent in my registration I skipped all the extras. I share the hotel room, which cuts that cost in half. Even at half price, it isn’t cheap to stay for four days.
The costume party was fun when I attended one two years ago, but I skipped that too, again it was the money.
A small group of us went to the conference on the cheap. We got our entertainment watching the boys and girls go into their prom. They were adorable. The gowns were lovely and the tuxedos looked a lot better than the ones I remember did back in the day. Some of the lads even wore tails. It brought back many memories of the three proms I’d attended. The best arrival was the couple that came in an antique car. For me, the only thing that could’ve topped that would’ve been a fancy horse drawn carriage.
Posted in My blog, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Bones, books, Books on writing, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, comedy, Craft of writing, Dead, Disability, Doggoned, Family, Fiction, Home, Life, Love, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Novel writing, Pennwriters, Pennwriters conference, Writer, Writing
I’m back even though my E-mail says I’m not
Posted by doggonedmysteries
It’s 1:30 in the morning on Monday as I write this. I fell asleep in my chair around six in the evening Sunday. I’d had about two hours of sleep Saturday night. I believe that from Thursday night to Sunday I managed to sleep about 6 hours in total.
Unable to sleep because I am a night person, the night shift desk clerks at the hotel are my new best friends. (I hope you are reading this, girls.) I gave them Dove dark chocolate or Hershey dark Bliss candy every night as I haunted the lobby and slipped outside for a few cigarettes. They love me.
I would go to bed, truly I would. I’d put on my New Yorker magazine dog PJs (go read my, ‘I sent myself a PajamaGram) and I’d crawl into bed around two. I couldn’t fall to sleep and rather than toss and turn for hours I’d get up again. Tiptoeing so as not to disturb my roommate, I’d feel around for my light jacket, put the jacket on, load the pockets with chocolate, grab my cigarettes, and slip out the door.
I’d drop some chocolate at the desk and go outside to the designated pariah corner. One of these days, I’ll find the will power to quit smoking again—I did it for an entire year once. However, it’s not easy to quit when DH chain-smokes and he’ll never quit. So please don’t deluge me with the standard you’re gonna die comments.
Now if only I can turn off the E-mail away message on my E-mail. It is refusing to go away.
Posted in My blog, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Bones, books, Books on writing, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, comedy, Craft of writing, Dead, Disability, Doggoned, Family, Fiction, Home, Humor, Life, Love, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Novel writing, Pennwriters, Pennwriters conference, Writer, Writing
The pups are after the compost bin again
Posted by doggonedmysteries
I have a compost bin. We do the coffee grounds, tea bags, any kitchen waste that’s not meat—all of it goes in the compost heap. There’s one teensy problem though. We put banana peels in there because they are great for the garden. The problem is with the banana peels I have to keep the bin blocked off so the dogs can’t get near it.
You see my dogs adore bananas. You could say they are bananas for bananas. We can’t open a peel without having the two dogs plaster themselves to our side until they each get some. Therefore, they would scavenge the peels from the compost pile if they could.
Last year Gavin tried his darnedest to climb into the bin because he smelled his favorite treat in there. In an instant he was stuck. I then had to climb over obstacles to pry him out of there. I need a better way to block the bin.
Yesterday Patty attempted a raid on the bin. With her long legs, she might have made it. It’s a good thing she was on the retractable leash at the time.
Posted in Dog related, My blog, my garden, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Books on writing, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, comedy, Craft of writing, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Family, Fiction, Gardening, Gardens, Home, Humor, Life, Love, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Novel writing, Pet humor, Pets, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
Should a klutz clean ceiling fans?
Posted by doggonedmysteries
I need to clean the ceiling fans in the living room. They look like they have a fur coat. EW, yeah disgusting! To do a proper cleaning I have to climb the ladder, prop a bucket of soapy water on it, and scrub each blade. Then I have to wipe down the lights, and the rest of the fan.
That’s why I rarely clean them. They are on most of the time to keep the air circulating so it isn’t often that anyone notices they are dirty. When I notice, you can bet they’ve gone past dirty and into the realm of holy crap what is that?
I hate heights, I hate climbing ladders, and cleaning is not one of my favorite things to do. However, even I am disgusted with how dirty those fans are. No one else is going to do it. Therefore, this klutz needs to climb the ladder and clean.
Now I ask you, should I wait until after the conference? Would it be tempting fate to climb a ladder this close to the date?
Posted in Misc, My blog, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Books on writing, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, comedy, Craft of writing, Dead, Disability, Doggoned, Family, Fiction, Home, Humor, I hate cleaning, Life, Love, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Novel writing, Writer, Writing
Gardening as a blood sport
Posted by doggonedmysteries
I swear not one day out in the garden goes by where I don’t end up bleeding from something. Today I slashed the inside of my left arm (in the tender skin) with my little pruners. Queen Klutz strikes again. Last week I cut my fingers to ribbons pulling weeds with my old holey leather gloves on. I need new gloves. However, gloves wouldn’t have helped when I tried to amputate my arm today.
I’m still trying to figure out how I did that one. All I was doing was trying to cut down all the daffodil plants before the coming rain flattened them. They’d reached the stage where they’d flop over with the slightest provocation. I was blithely hacking away at them, tossing the trimmings into the wheelbarrow, when it happened. I stared at the laceration and wondered how I managed to do it. No clue.
On several occasions, I’ve managed to trip over a rake or shovel resulting in foot gashes or skinned knees but I’ve never slashed my arm before. DH had no sympathy for me, no; instead, he was hard pressed to keep from laughing. Is it any wonder that he won’t let me drive the mower?
Posted in My blog, my garden, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Bones, books, Books on writing, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, comedy, Craft of writing, Dead, Disability, Doggoned, Family, Fiction, Gardening, Gardens, Home, Humor, Life, Love, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Novel writing, Writer, Writing
Clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy
Posted by doggonedmysteries
It was bad enough that I had to put a band-aid on the lower half of my left thumb to cover the open blister I got from all that raking. Then there’s the Goliath bullfrog bite on my right index finger. That also required a band-aid because the scratches run the length of my finger. They kept reopening and bleeding every time I bent it. Now, I have another band-aid on my left index finger where I cut that while opening the box in which my new vacuum arrived. I am the klutz queen.
Yes, my new vacuum arrived today. It purrs like a kitten and doesn’t require ear protection. Holy crap does it ever clean! It weighs less than a third of my old vacuum too. It came with a free steam-cleaning mop.
I could possibly go into spring-cleaning mode. My house might go from slovenly to sparkling at this rate. I can picture it featured in House Beautiful. Hah! Whom am I kidding, with two dogs and DH the slob? Surely, I dream. The house doesn’t dust itself or scrub bathrooms. {Sigh.} Knowing me, it will be clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy.
Posted in Misc, My blog, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Books on writing, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, comedy, Craft of writing, Dead, Disability, Doggoned, Family, Fiction, Home, Humor, Life, Love, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Novel writing, Writer, Writing
Can two objects occupy the same space?
Posted by doggonedmysteries
Today Gavin proved that the answer to that question is no. How did he prove it? Well, that’s the story for tonight.
I had Gavin out in the yard. He was behaving, sniffing around looking for a place to mark, when the kids across the street began doing a mad dash up and down the sidewalk. Gavin got excited and began to bark at them. Me, being the idiot I am, decided it was time to leash him and take him inside before he became too wound up.
He was standing still at the front fence barking at the kids. I reached for his collar to snap on the leash so I could drag him away from the fence. At that moment he decided to dart to his left. Where was I standing? I was at his left.
Now if you’ve never met a Bull Terrier in person you have no concept of what their heads are like. Think cinder block and you’ll have a decent idea.
Think fast, if I was at his left, and he dashed to his left, can two objects occupy the same space at the same time? The previously mentioned objects being Gavin’s cinder block head and my freaking knee, I say NAY. I also said ouch, and many other words in a sailor’s vernacular that tinged the air around me a lovely, bright shade of blue.
Yeah, go ahead and call me a klutz. You can even call Gavin an idiot for not looking where he was going. Now, if you all will excuse me, I need to pack my knee in ice again.
Posted in Dog related, Misc, My blog, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Books on writing, Bull Terriers, can two objects occupy the same space?, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, comedy, Craft of writing, Crafts, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Family, Fiction, Home, Humor, Life, Love, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Novel writing, relative theories and all that stuff, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
How to bathe the dog
Posted by doggonedmysteries
Gorgeous weather today made the pups miserable. Actually it wasn’t the day itself it was what I did to them. Smelly Gavin and stinky Patty got baths. I am on their LIST. After they had their baths and were dry, their majesties did their utmost best to let me know that I’d gone to the top of their LIST. I rose higher on the LIST than squirrels, annoying kids, strange dogs who pee on their fence, and a late dinner.
I did not apologize to them. They reeked and were in dire need of baths. You’d think they’d want to be nice and clean sweet-smelling dogs. Nope, they’d rather smell horrible. It’s a dog thing.
How to bathe Patty: A) Keep her from hiding in either crate by closing the doors. B) Drag her upstairs to the bathroom. C) Lift her 65 lb limp, dead weight into the tub. D) Begin the torture of bathing. E) Spread a towel on the floor, drop a cookie, and back up. F) Dry her. G) Release her from the bathroom to have her karoom down the steps and around the downstairs. H) Crate her with a cookie reward until she’s dry.
How to bathe Gavin: A) Show him a cookie. B) Tell him “Let’s go bed bouncing.” C) Follow him upstairs. D) Throw the cookie into the tub and watch him hop into it. E) Close shower doors so he doesn’t jump back out. F) Begin his torture—you mean get me wet all over? G) Hose him down, get soaked when he shakes. H) Soap him, get soaked when shakes. I) Rinse him, get soaked when he shakes. J) Step back, get soaked when he shakes. K) Dry him, get soaked when shakes. L) Release him from the bathroom. M) Crate him with a cookie. N) Go dry all the walls and the floor of the bathroom. O) Change into dry clothes.
Posted in Dog related, My blog, Weather related, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Books on writing, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, comedy, Craft of writing, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Family, Fiction, Home, Humor, Life, Love, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Novel writing, Pet humor, Pets, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
You will lose pounds and inches in just…
Posted by doggonedmysteries
Yeah, yeah we’ve all watched those advertisements. If I bought every miracle weight reducing, body trimming, tummy-tightening machine that came down the pike my house would explode. Then there are all those miracle weight loss pills, yeah I’d rather toss my money down the toilet it’s just as effective.
What works is less food and more movement. I can tell, now that I’m outside more and working in the garden again, my jeans are starting to fall down. Where did I put that belt? Sweat equity melts off the winter weight.
G and I are starting to do our twice-weekly mile long walks. The pups love that I’m taking them for an evening walk weather permitting. I walk them separately so that means I go twice as far as they do.
Warm weather meals are lighter and contain more fresh veggies and fruit than my winter meals. The last two days I had the grill up and running again so that means less fat too.
DH, otherwise known as Mr. Fluffy since I had to pick him up from the floor last week, will drop a few pounds too.
Posted in Misc, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Books on writing, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, comedy, Craft of writing, Dead, diet and exercise, Disability, Doggoned, Family, Fiction, Home, Humor, Life, Love, MS, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, not fat fluffy, Novel writing, Writer, Writing
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