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December thunderstorm

 

     First, I hate thunderstorms.  Second, a December thunderstorm is a rare occurrence here.  So not having watched the news tonight, I wasn’t prepared. 

     I’d taken one step out of the bedroom when there were two very loud BOOMS.  You know those cartoons, where the cat is frightened, and the next thing you see is it hanging from the ceiling by its claws?  Yep, if I were a cat, that would’ve been me.

     I know I wasn’t the only who was startled too.  The two little dogs next door were raising hell.  What about my two, you ask.  They were snoring.  However, let someone walk by rattling keys or making some other trivial noise, and the pups will raise the roof.

     Then there’s the rain.  It has been pouring for hours.  If this were snow, I’d be shoveling forever.  I’m glad it’s rain.

I get to choose who’s gonna screw me

     After more than a decade of capped rates for the generation portion of my bill, the rate cap expires on 12/31/2009.  In other words, our electric company will be hiking their rates.  “Up your’s Mr. or Ms. Average Citizen who is barely keeping your head above water as it is, we are gonna get a bigger piece of you.”

     However, even though we’ll still get two pieces of you, you can now choose who gets that third larger bite out of your ass.  Will it be us?  We guarantee you that your new rate is going to shock and awe you.  Will you go to one of the companies that we aren’t naming right now, later? 

     Later?  Come on, you are giving me less than a month to research rates of companies who I have no idea what they are even named and oh yeah, you really haven’t given me any incentive to stay with you.

     What the $%@&# do you think I’m going to do?  I’m a high class electrical power whore.  I want the company who’s gonna screw me the least.  Wine me, dine me, make me a good offer, and I’ll make you mine.

I wish I’d thought of that!

    
     I know these pictues have made the rounds already this year.  I can’t help it, I laughed like a fool and passed them on. 
Maybe I’ll put up some lights this year after all–these gave me a few ideas.  Hehehe!
Holiday Bad Attitude

Once again, I was disqualified from my neighborhoods"Best Decorated House" contest due to my bad attitude!

Be vewwy vewwy qwiet...

This may offend some people but it cracked me up!

 

Black Friday our way

     Dear Hubby and I will be staying close to home.  As in, we aren’t going anywhere today.  DH will sit in his lounge chair and watch TV with Patty.  Gavin will snooze in his chair.  Yes, Gavin has his very own chair.  It’s behind my desk chair so he can be close but not trying to get on my lap while I work. 

     What will I do?  Between running the dogs out whenever they decide that they must go.  (Yes, the dogs are in charge.)  It’s a perfect day to curl up with a good book—or write one.

       I look forward to a full coffee pot and meals on paper plates so there are no dishes for me to do.

     I spent too many years in retail to consider going anywhere near a store today.  I no longer have the patience to deal with rude people, imbeciles, and screaming lunatics. 

     If we’re extremely lucky, the neighbor’s idiot kid won’t spend the afternoon gunning his car for hours on end and we’ll have a quiet day.  They rent, we’re looking forward to the day they move.  In fact, when that happens we’ll have a party to celebrate.

Happy Thanksgiving!

     When the table groans under the weight of the food on it—it must be Thanksgiving.

     When everyone (even Grandma) loosens his or her belt six notches after the meal—it must be Thanksgiving.

     When you’ve cooked for twelve hours to serve a meal that is scarfed down in mere minutes—it must be Thanksgiving.

     When the choices for dessert exceeds that of the dessert menu at the local gourmet restaurant—it must be Thanksgiving.

     When you stop and take the time to count your blessings—it must be Thanksgiving.

Do I have a magnet in my pocket?

 

     Ladies, when your Dear Hubby retires, pray he finds something to do.  I can’t cook dinner without DH coming into the kitchen and getting under foot.  He’s worse than the dogs!  Five minutes earlier, when I was nowhere near the kitchen.  Did he need to get into the cupboard then?  Nope.

     As soon as I begin to cook dinner, he needs something from the cupboard above or below where I’m working.  Or, he blocks my access to the sink because he’s there fiddling with something.  It’s as if I have a magnet in my back pocket.

     Of course, the dogs compete with him over getting under foot, but at least I can chase them out of the kitchen and pull the baby gate across.  It’s a shame the gate doesn’t work on him.

     Don’t get me wrong I love DH dearly, I love the dogs too but geez, let me get dinner without having to trip over someone.  Please.  It’s an accident looking for a place to happen because I’ll be the first to admit it—I’m a KLUTZ!

Bad TV commercials

 

     Is it me or are the TV commercials getting worse?  It’s bad enough when we’re assaulted by one bad erectile dysfunction medication commercial after another, but now it’s Christmas shopping commercials.  Does anyone else find that blond lady on the Target commercials downright psycho?  She’s enough to give you nightmares.

     And don’t get me started on the mannequin with her jazz hands.  Give me cute.  Like the Armstrong Floor commercial with the skate boarding Bulldog.  Give me snappy and witty but please don’t tell me to have a happy period.  If Mother Nature ever showed up here to hand me a ‘present’, I’d slap the crap out of her.

     It’s no wonder parents go broke at Christmas.  Little Johnny and Janie are inundated with commercials for expensive toys they must have!  Excuse me, but what child NEEDS a $30.00 cell phone?  Children lose things!  Heck, they lose mittens that are strung through their coat sleeves around their necks or hermetically sealed to their coat cuffs.  Guaranteed you’ll be hearing about how they lost that phone within a week.  You might as well go flush the money down the toilet, or go lose it at the gambling tables.  It all amounts to the same thing.

     There are no limits to the insanity.

Bath day for the pups…Oh no!

     I dread it.  Gavin and Patty are long over due for baths.  Why?  Because every time it’s a struggle to bathe them.  Well, the bath itself isn’t the struggle.  It’s getting them to the tub.

     Take Gavin, he will do anything for a cookie except follow you upstairs.  He hates baths.  He knows all the signs that there’s a bath in his future.  He knows that if you are on the stairs offering him a cookie this is not a good sign.  If you’ve taken the dog towels from the basement laundry to the bathroom, he knows someone is getting a bath.  He hopes it is Patty. 

     It isn’t, he goes first.  I put a leash on him, fill my pocket with cookies, and spend 15 minutes coaxing him upstairs and into the tub.  Once he’s in the tub, things go fast.  He’ll sit in the middle of the tub with his ears flattened to his head but he doesn’t fight it.  Once the bath is over with, he loves the drying part.  Then he dashes downstairs to pounce on DH and show him how clean he is.  I think he also tells Patty that she’s next.  Neener neener neener.

     Ah, Patty.  Patty weighs 65 lbs, as does Gavin.  She hates, hates, hates getting wet.  She makes bathing Gavin easy.  When she gets wind of a bath in her future, she hides in the back of her crate.  There aren’t enough cookies in the world to convince her that a bath is a good thing. 

     Have you ever tried to pry a 65 lb, stiff legged, dead weight dog out of a crate?  It isn’t easy.  Nor is it easy to drag that stiff legged, dead weight dog up a steep flight of steps, into the bathroom, and lift her into the tub.  Whereupon she goes into her ‘you hate me, poor pitiful me’ act as soon as the first drop of water hits her.

     Meanwhile Gavin giggles downstairs because he’s already had his bath and has a tummy full of cookies.

How many ways can you say crazy?

     Tonight a friend of mine (Jackie) and I were discussing the many ways you can say crazy.  There were the old stand bys of one sandwich shy of a picnic, his elevator doesn’t go to the top (some even say it hasn’t left the ground floor), the lights are on, but nobody is home.  Then she hit me with ‘her cheese has slid off her cracker’ and I fell on the floor.

     It was downhill from there.  We got worse.  They came swiftly nuttier than a fruitcake, one step short of Bedlam, and answering the cuckoo.  He’s one taco short of a combo plate, one brick short of a load, one egg roll short of a PuPu platter.  His rocket is not working on all thrusters. 

     And worse.  She’s such an air head, that the only thing that keeps things from going in one ear and out the other, is the “For Rent” sign in the middle.  He is a few fries short of a happy meal.  He has verbal diarrhea and mental constipation.  I think her sewing machine is out of thread.  Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. 

     Have you any to add?

It’s time to accentuate the positive

     For many people this time of the year is the most depressing.  I know it has been so for me for a long time.  However, I am determined that THIS year I will work towards a more positive and happy attitude. 

     I will remember to make myself feel happier.  Smile and the world smiles with you, it is true.  When you wear a smile, people tend to smile back.  Once they’ve smiled at you they will smile at the next person they meet and so on.  Pass along a smile today.  It’s uplifting and such a small thing to do.

     I will listen to others.  Everyone needs to talk but finding a willing ear to bend is often a problem.  How was your day?  I’m listening.

     I will take time to play.  Yes, I said play.  Everyone should play.  Bring out that inner child and let him/her have some fun. 

      Hmm, there’s still one big, fluffy pile of leaves in the yard I think it’s time I joined the dogs in a good dive in the leaves.

Rewriting, or why doesn’t that editor on my shoulder shut up?

 

     “There that chapter is fixed.”  I stretch and let out a satisfied sigh.

     My little editor taps me on the shoulder.  “Why did you take out that scene?”

     “Because it didn’t work with the changes I made.  Besides, the new scene is better.”

     “But I liked that scene.  It was a good scene.”  The editor kicks me in the temple. 

     “Ouch.  Shut up.  It’s not going back in.  It doesn’t work.”

     “And yet you kept that awful dialogue on page sixty one,” he says with a sneer.

     “That was good dialogue.  What makes you say it was awful?” 

     “Would anyone truly say that?  Is it realistic?”

     Beads of sweat break out on my forehead.  I pop up the page and read the dialogue aloud.  “I think it’s realistic.  I don’t see any problem with it.”

     “Okay, I’ll let that slide, but—“

     “No buts.  It’s time to move on to the next chapter.”

     “Okay.  In the first scene, you need to—“

     “Shut up!  Let me do it.  I know what I want to do here.”

     The editor flops onto the back of my chair and whines, “You never listen to me.”

     “Do too.”

     “Do not.”

     “Have it your way.  Now, chapter thirteen, page seventy seven.  Scene one stays as it is.”

     “Are you sure about that?”

He is my rock and I am his

 

     When I was very young, someone told me I shouldn’t dream.  The same someone always laughed and sneered at my ideas and me.  I believed that someone for a long while.  For many years I hid my dreams, buried them deep inside me, until they came close to dying. 

     If you do not attempt to reach for your dreams, you are not living.  One day, my dreams and I began to live again.

     That was when Dear Hubby came into my life, he told me I could and should always dream.  He encouraged me to explore my ideas.  He’s supported me, defended me, and is always in my corner.  He has never once told me I couldn’t or shouldn’t.  He tells me he is proud of me in whatever I do.

     When I made some tough decisions in life, he stood beside me. 

     When he needs me, I am there for him.  When he falls, I’ll pick him up.  When he dreams, I encourage him.  When he makes tough decisions, I stand beside him.