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Malcolm’s Mayhem 12
Posted by doggonedmysteries
Bull Terriers will eat almost anything. I worked in a vet’s office for a while which, more than once, turned out to be fortunate for us. When he was young, Malcolm had the typical Bull Terrier habit of chewing on and eating things he shouldn’t.
One day Malcolm managed to unplug a lamp from the outlet and eat four feet of cord. (Lucky for him he unplugged it first) He did it without pulling the lamp from the table. Furthermore, he did it the five minutes before I was to leave for work. In a panic, I called the office and told them what had happened, they told me to bring him in to work with me.
When I arrived, the vet decided to take x-rays. Malcolm never needed sedation for x-rays he was such a ham he’d stay still for the pictures. Once my boss got a look at the x-rays he called me away from my microscope to tell me that he thought with a little help from medication that by the end of the day the problem would resolve itself.
For the rest of the day while I worked Malcolm enjoyed the attention of all the vets and technicians and the luxury of a fancy run in the kennels. An hour before my shift was over one of the techs came running in to tell me all was great and Malcolm could go home with me.
Vet bill: 200.00
New lamp cord and rewiring: 12.00
Malcolm healthy and into more mischief: Priceless
Posted in Dog related, My blog
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, comedy, Crafts, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Fiction, Humor, Life, Love, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Pet humor, Pets, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
Toys to torment siblings and parents
Posted by doggonedmysteries
Toy commercials are rampant now that Christmas is fast approaching. I admit I do get a kick out of some of the toys they are advertising. There’s a dinosaur robot that cracks me up, and I keep telling Dear Hubby, “I want one.” Of course he tells me no. He knows me too well. I’d probably use it to torment him and the dogs.
Every year there are toys for the child who is into espionage but now they are almost as sophisticated as what the CIA has to use. Hey, kids how about using a toy to listen in on your parent’s private conversations? We’ve just the thing for you. There isn’t an older child around who wouldn’t appreciate having little brother or sister able to spy on them. Let the beatings commence.
Another brilliant gift idea, night vision goggles, exactly what every budding burglar needs to have.
Hey, I’m that evil person who gives children gifts of xylophones, drums, and things (like Leggos) that have many tiny pieces. I don’t have to live with the noisemakers or stepping on those little crippling pieces of plastic. Nor do I have to listen to the howls of the older child when they catch a younger one spying.
My kids have four legs and fur. They’re happy with tennis balls and dog cookies.
With middle age comes wisdom and hot flashes
Posted by doggonedmysteries
Ah, middle age, I don’t feel much older than when I was in my twenties. Wiser, yes, I know I’ve learned a lot over the years. I’m wise enough to know that I will always have something new to learn. I’m wise enough to know that you can pick your friends, your battles, and causes, but you can’t pick your relatives. As in many families, and given the choice, there’s one or two that I wouldn’t have selected.
Middle aged, a time when you begin to see more gray hair and wrinkles and wonder where the time went. I had fun getting here. I don’t have many regrets, but I do wish time would slow down a bit.
Middle aged, old enough to have hot flashes. I don’t mind them too much. I have a T-shirt and emblazoned on the front are the words ‘I’m not having a hot flash my inner child is playing with matches.’ My inner child plays often.
I do have one question. Why is it that on cold days, when I can really use it, my inner child decides to refrain from being a pyromaniac ? It’s cold outside tonight!
Posted in Misc, My blog, Uncategorized, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Fiction, Humor, Life, Love, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Pet humor, Pets, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
An intervention
Posted by doggonedmysteries
I emptied the last bag and walked into the living room. “Hon, do you realize that this is the fifth one I bought this month?”
“Are you sure?” He said.
“Yes. We’re going through it like crazy.”
“That does seem like a lot.”
I motioned for him to follow me back into the kitchen. “You’re sure it’s not you?”
“Yeah. I only use it once a day and not every day.”
“I guess we need to talk to him.”
We walked into the living room and sat down in the chairs facing the couch. He was on the couch eagerly looking from my face to Dear Hubby’s. This wasn’t going to be easy.
I began, “This is an intervention”
DH added, “We need to discuss your addiction.”
“We understand and we love you. But Gavin, you are peanut butter addicted.”
With the words peanut butter Gavin’s ears moved forward, and his tail wagged. He leapt from the couch and ran to stand by the cupboard.
“I blame the vet,” I told DH as I scooped some peanut butter from the jar, popped an allergy pill on the top, and had Gavin lick his medicine from the spoon.
Posted in Dog related, My blog
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, comedy, Crafts, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Fiction, Humor, Life, Love, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Pet humor, Pets, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
There is a reason to use grammar and spellchecker.
Posted by doggonedmysteries
I know I am not the best grammarian in the world. My grammar checker proves that to me all the time. Hell, it screamed at me for that first sentence. However, I do use it and my spellchecker. I would be embarrassed to post something I hadn’t at least run through both checkers once. Granted, on occasion, I have missed things.
That’s what I have proofreaders for (and you know who you are.) They will read what I plan to post before I publish it. Fortunately, few mistakes sneak past them. Mind you, I say few. Occasionally, I have found some errors we all missed and have gone back to edit them out of a post.
All of which brings me back to the title of this post. I can’t understand why anyone would post something out here in cyber land for the entire world to see and not want it to be his or her best writing. I not only try to put my best out here, but I continue to improve it whenever I can.
More and more, I find articles in newspapers, works of fiction, advertisements, and blogs full of blatant spelling and grammar mistakes that by simply running the spell and grammar checkers will disappear. Yes, there are words the spell check will miss. Those words are the ones that if you find you consistently mix them up you should keep a list in front of you as a reminder.
The mother-in-law gift
Posted by doggonedmysteries
Every year about this time, I begin to notice more gray hairs appearing at an astonishing rate. Why, you ask. It’s time to nail down Dear Hubby and actually go and buy a Christmas gift for his mother.
For the thirty-five years we’ve been married I’ve spent the months between one Christmas and the next on the hunt for the woman’s next gift. It never fails, I think I’ve found her the perfect gift but when I tell him about my discovery, he shoots it down like a twelve point buck in deer season.
Now it is again looming too close and I’ve resorted to torturing him nightly for ideas. Thank heavens for a mailbox full of catalogues.
“Honey, take a look at this lovely gift basket full of soaps, lotions, and creams. Do you think she’d like it?”
He peruses the page I point out, he scowls, and he answers, “She’d never use any of it.”
“Why not? I’d enjoy a gift like that.”
He grunts and says, “She only uses one brand of lotion and soap.”
I sigh and pick up another catalogue. “What about this great fruit basket?”
“Nope.”
“Oh, come on everyone LOVES fruit baskets.”
He removes the catalogue from my hands and tosses it aside. “She doesn’t.”
I sneak another catalogue out of the pile on the coffee table and flip though a few pages. “Here! She couldn’t possibly find fault in this. It has expensive chocolates, fancy cocoas, cookies, and dark chocolate covered nuts.”
“You forget. She can’t eat nuts.”
Bang.
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, Crafts, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Fiction, gifts, Humor, Life, Love, Mother-in-law, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Pet humor, Pets, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
I am a fan
Posted by doggonedmysteries
Okay, I admit it. I’m a Jeff Dunham fan. I grew up watching Edgar Bergen and never has there been anyone to compare to him until Jeff Dunham came along.
The first time I saw Jeff Dunham’s act he only had his purple sidekick, Peanuts. Wow, how long ago was that?
I’ve enjoyed watching his group of wise cracking puppets grow. The man’s superbly twisted humor is obvious in all his characters from Walter the old curmudgeon to Achmed the dead terrorist.
I watched Dunham’s Christmas special on the comedy channel the other night and the man had me rolling on the floor. In this rough economic time, we all need a good laugh and this man certainly delivers.
I’ve seen his other shows a few times and each time they’ve made me laugh, not many people can do that to me. I say take your laughs where you can get them they are good for your health.
Oh, and Jeff if you’re ever in our area I’ll be the first in line for tickets to your show.
Posted in Misc, My blog, Uncategorized
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, comedy, Crafts, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Fiction, Humor, Jeff Dunham, Life, Love, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Pet humor, Pets, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
The editor is back
Posted by doggonedmysteries
I thought I’d silenced my resident editor for a while and was tooling along on one of the books today. The editor on my shoulder was very quiet which made me think that things were going along smoothly, but I’m not that lucky.
After several hours of working on a dialogue in Doggoned Dead, he shot off my shoulder and kicked me in the buttocks.
“Hey, that was uncalled for,” I said.
“No, it wasn’t. You aren’t paying attention.”
I stared at the evil little guy. “What do you mean I wasn’t paying attention?”
“Helloooo. You have your main character speaking to someone who is in Doggoned Bones not Doggoned Dead.”
“I do not-” I reread the dialogue. “Oh, crap.” I scrolled back and spent the next few minutes changing the name every place I’d used it.
“There, you @#$%!#* happy now?”
“Yeah, that works for me.” The evil little editor grinned at me and then said, “One more question, are you going to change the setting to fit the scene?”
“What?” I reread the entire scene. “Son of a-”
“Don’t say it.”
“#$*$! Why did you let me write the entire scene in the wrong setting?”
“You have to ask?”
The air around me turned a repulsive shade of blue while I reworked the scene.
Posted in My blog, My books, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, Crafts, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Fiction, Humor, Life, Love, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Pet humor, Pets, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
Lucky I didn’t catch them…
Posted by doggonedmysteries
We had some vandalism done to our new vinyl fence tonight. After I’d ranted, raved, and cussed at whoever did it, I told Dear Hubby they were lucky that I hadn’t caught them in the act.
Don’t forget I write murder mysteries. I came up with a hundred or so ways they’d pay for their intrusion into our lives. None of them was very nice but all of them were quite imaginative. For example, there was the one idea I tossed out of using the damaged pickets in a certain spot to turn the vandals into popsicles. However, most weren’t that nice.
The police came and made a report because the damage was enough to warrant one.
Dear Hubby can’t do the repairs needed on the fencing and I am handy but with the colder weather closing in, this repair isn’t going to be easy. At least with warm weather I could bend the new pickets enough to place them into the fence without damaging them. I’m not so sure now. We could call the fencing company and have them do it but the second month it was up we had some minor car damage to the fence and it took them several weeks to show up.
It’s too bad that I didn’t catch the idiots. One thing I would’ve done was make their lives miserable for a while. This was intentional damage, done without the least care as to how it affected us. Worst of all this was probably done as a lark, by kids-oh, look at me! See what I can do!
Now, my dogs can’t run loose in the yard until the fence is fixed. Gavin and Patty will not be amused.
Posted in Misc, My blog, Uncategorized
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, Crafts, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Fiction, Humor, Life, Love, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Pet humor, Pets, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
Malcolm’s Mayhem 11
Posted by doggonedmysteries
The first summer Malcolm was with us, we found out that he couldn’t swim. It’s not that he didn’t try. He did try many times, and failed. It’s strange to watch your beloved pet dog paddling like hell but sinking straight to the bottom like a large white rock. Our other two Bull Terriers could swim, who knew?
The first time we observed the spectacle Dear Hubby had Malcolm on a leash and was walking him around a lake. Malcolm was having a wonderful time scampering along the bank, hopping up on the many small docks, and bounding off into the water on the opposite sides.
That was until he leapt off one that had a deep pool on the far side. Next thing DH knew Malcolm was dog paddling and sinking fast. He hauled him out as quickly as he could.
Putting the incident down to inexperience on Malcolm’s part he figured a few swimming lessons over the summer would solve the problem. DH was on the swim team in school, he was even a lifeguard for years, and well, why don’t we say, it was a case of male logic.
He took Malcolm out to the lake many times. Malcolm would try to swim with him but it never failed, the dog sank and DH had to go to the rescue. DH gave up eventually and we didn’t think about very often.
That was until we visited relatives who had an in-ground pool in their back yard. However, the first time Malcolm was out in the yard, he spotted the swimming pool. In he went, and not in the shallow end, no, he had to dive into the DEEP end. Malcolm dog paddled all the way to the bottom. DH, thank goodness, had Malcolm on a leash and managed to pull him out before the idiot dog even realized he was on the bottom of the pool.
Posted in Dog related, My blog
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, Crafts, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Fiction, Humor, Life, Love, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Pet humor, Pets, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
Dear Hubby MS and cooler weather
Posted by doggonedmysteries
As much as I love summer, I do hate the toll the heat takes on Dear Hubby. Once the temperature soars above the seventies, he can’t stand the heat and spends most of his time indoors in the air conditioning. His MS damaged nerves don’t tell his sweat glands they need to work and he quickly overheats. The dogs and I do miss having him outside with us.
Fall brings with it some relief for Dear Hubby. Now that temperature is cooling down, he has a little more energy, can go outside more often, and he’s even making plans for his yearly hunting trip.
The hunting trip becomes more difficult for him each year as his strength, balance, and health wane but he’s determined to continue going for a long as he can. I tell him to go, enjoy, and have fun. It’s good for him to keep doing it every year.
Winter can be a problem because he feels he must go out and run our snow blower. I do try to beat him to the job as often as I can, knowing he’ll push himself beyond his limits. Thank heavens the neighbor’s sons will take over the job too when they notice him out there clearing the walk and driveway.
No, it’s never going to get easier but we do have plenty of good and very kind friends who help when help is needed. To them I say, Thank you.
Posted in MS related, My blog
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, Crafts, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Fiction, Humor, Life, Love, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Pet humor, Pets, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
Diamonds are forever…
Posted by doggonedmysteries
Every commercial on TV is screaming, “Buy me! Buy me!” Half of these are the ‘Diamonds Are Forever’ commercials. Handsome men present necklaces that are dripping in glittering stones to attractive wives or girlfriends whose eyes light up with love. They flash these gorgeous nothing-less-than-a-carat diamond rings with breathtaking settings onto the TV screen and tell you, if you love her, you’ll buy her one.
A few years ago, my friend almost lost her diamond because the prongs holding it in the setting had worn down to nothing. Her diamond popped out and, lucky for her, it landed on her keyboard.
Which brings me to the conversation Dear Hubby and I got into about my engagement ring. After watching a trillion of those commercials, I’d taken my ring off to check the setting. We’d had the prongs checked right after my friend’s ring incident but I hadn’t really looked at them in while. The prongs were fine but wow the band sure is thinning. You see I’ve worn it for thirty-five years.
I said, “Hey Hon, look at this.” I showed him the ring.
He examined the ring and said, “Yes, you are wearing a bit thin after all these years.”
“You’d best smile when you say that, boy. I write murder mysteries.”
Lucky for him he was grinning.
Posted in Holidays, MS related, My blog, My books, Writer, Writing
Tags: Author, Beads, Bones, books, Bull Terriers, Care giving, Caregiver, Coffee, Crafts, Dead, Disability, Dog humor, Doggoned, Dogs, Fiction, Humor, Life, Love, Multiple Sclerosis, Murder, Mysteries, Mystery, Pet humor, Pets, Rescue Dogs, Writer, Writing
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